To crave Bayonetta is okay... in many ways

Bayonetta is saffron. A versatile ingredient spanning from cuisine to medicine, used to add pizzazz to a dish or enrich one’s health. Expensive and refined, it is not meant to be cast as another spice like cinnamon. Not to be ordained in a melancholy of stocks and broths, or B's and C's. Bayonetta is saffron where a pinch of it can spruce even the flattest of tastes.... Or maybe just a hot anime chick you can never touch.

Developed by Platinum Games and the dude who brought us Devil May Cry, Bayonetta is an over-the-top, kick-in-the-ass, never-see-it-coming extravaganza like none has seen. It dishes baddies out like free samples at (insert wholesale warehouse store. i.e. Costco), and flails quirky scenarios faster than (insert pop culture driven television station. i.e. MTV), but makes it work better than what MacGyver has at hand (insert everyone knows who MacGyver is!). Yes, it is that awesome.

The story sets out in a medievaly type of place where Hell and Heaven are duking out for domination? The protagonist is a super sexy amnesiac witch who is trying to discover herself, and the antagonist is a super sexy psycho witch who is preventing the other super sexy… blah, blah, blah? Blah, blah? Ah! Whatever! The premise is this: a super sexy witch with the power to utilize her hair to wreak havoc upon the heavenly creatures from up above sets out on a quest to fuck shit up (Period).

Action (and half naked sequences) is what brings Bayonetta to life, and keeps it pumping. All the set moves are unlocked right from the get go, so it does not waste any time dicking around with learning new combos or large tutorials (although the loading screen is a practice session in between chapters). The player feels like a badass as soon as the first cinematic ends and the game only progresses further in that sense.

Weapons, techniques, and items can be obtained through purchase. Things like shotguns and grenade launchers can replace a gun strapped to the heel for a devastating explosion of phantasm, or a cool katana that owns everything (and I mean everything!)! Techniques like turning into a cuddly fanged panther or more allotted time for witch time to pants those sons-a-bitches. But, they don’t come cheap, no, not at all. Although not cheap, there is a solution for all the cheapskates in the world!

Destroy a baddie, and it will drop a weapon. Pick up the weapon, and use it against another baddie! Few games will use the function of picking up an enemy’s dropped weapon (excluding all shooters), and the game makes it a good function even better by implementing various ways the weapon can be used. For example, using a spear, Bayonetta will proceed to make use as a stripper’s pole (knocking heads as sexy as can be)! Break a few vases and items will be dropped. Happy-go-lucky cheapskates (leave a tip once in a while… grumble grumble)!

Boss battles are unique, none play the same, and once defeated they will spawn in like normal baddies in other levels. They come in by the dozen, so expect to be using health often. The torture finishing moves are awesome to watch (especially the one with the big ass dragon)! The difficulty doesn’t scale too far (unlike Ninja Gaiden), but leaving upgrades untouched will weigh in heavily during later boss battles (especially techniques). Personally, I am a completionist when it comes to leveling up characters, but a few major upgrades could set the tone for the entire game.

The story might be quirky and the lines very cheddar, but the thought gone into the battle, and the level progression make this game more than solid. These guys got it. They are at the pinnacle of action games with Bayonetta. Let the story slide, a little bit of bug spray, and you get a solid A worthy game! An A+ worthy game you say? Fuck it. A+! Go play it on Xbox 360 (cause the PS3 version had issues with loading) and experience the super sexy sensation Bayonetta will give you (especially with those lollipops… you’ll see)! (And not in that way you sickos). (But totally in that way) <3.